You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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