Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
