I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
