God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize