It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
