This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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