it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
time to smoke my breakfast
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
