remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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