its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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