How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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