I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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