so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
