I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
