I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
