I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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