i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
