Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
