i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Please, let me fuck your mom
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
