that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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