john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
