My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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