Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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