Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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