She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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