so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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