I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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