i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
