I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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