I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
