She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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