Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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