Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Randomize
