I looked at my own cervix.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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