My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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