Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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