I'm really into asian looking animals
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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