I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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