I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
