dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I look better un-naked...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
