the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
