theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
