Apparently you make a good broom.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize