The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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