She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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