All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
