Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
