You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
