How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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