Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
