The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
