two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my shit smells like andre
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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