Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
