My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
