she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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