I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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