I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
