i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
